How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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