My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
