apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
