Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
