Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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