Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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