Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
