I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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