She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
