do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
