i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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