Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Randomize
