dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
