I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
