I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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