got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
should my penis look like a turkey
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
