3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize