im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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