over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
