The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
