Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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