I just saw a hot homeless man
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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