Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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