My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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