at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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