I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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