Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
