my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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