I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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