Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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