mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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