I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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