There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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