Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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