Michael Bay diarrhea
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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