Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
