oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
