life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize