i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
