haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
