turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
This house was built for laser tag.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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