how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize