this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
