my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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