12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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