I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
