I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
