Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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