Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
