I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
