i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
