Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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