Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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