I'm gonna have a badass scar
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
