Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I need water and some morals
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Dear god my vagina.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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