I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
