I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
