I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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