Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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