I wanna passion pit in your ass
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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