woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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