Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
3pm strippers are depressing
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
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