just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
