I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
