I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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