alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize