living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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