I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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